


never fall away

by scavengerswan



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: (Happy Ending from a certain point of view), Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Bittersweet Ending, Character Death, Depression, F/M, Implied/Referenced Suicide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-24
Updated: 2020-07-24
Packaged: 2021-03-04 23:33:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,257
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25494682
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/scavengerswan/pseuds/scavengerswan
Summary: After years of being together, Rey leaves Ben unexpectedly. Trying to cope with her own guilt and new circumstances, she keeps writing him letters... even though she knows he'll never read them.
Relationships: Kylo Ren/Rey, Rey/Ben Solo, Rey/Ben Solo | Kylo Ren
Comments: 8
Kudos: 26





	never fall away

**Author's Note:**

> This will be posted mainly in letter form. There is a total of 16 letters and an epilogue.
> 
> (there's a hidden clue in the title!)

~.~

**#1**

_Dear Ben,_

_I know we're not together anymore, but I wish there was a way for you to know I still think about you every day. Or minute. Or second. (I'm still not sure).  
  
_ _Everyone here says I should stop thinking about you so much, that I should let go, but I can't. You were the one who was always there for me, the one I could tell everything, the one man I ever truly loved – how am I supposed to let go of that love? To let go of you? I can't. I don't want to. And you know how stubborn I am – if they think they can control how I feel, they're in for a big fucking disappointment. Freaking. (I should start practicing – can you believe swearing is frowned upon here? It's like I'm in fucking – ducking – Virginia Beach again, except now you're not here to keep me company. I don't know what I was thinking for ever thinking I was going to like it here. I should've never left.)_

_Love,_

_Rey_

**#2**

_Dear Ben,_

_I really wish I had never left you. There isn't a day I don't regret it. I hope one day you'll forgive me for leaving before we got to do most of the things we promised to do. Believe me that it crushes me as much as it crushes you._

_(on the brighter side, I met the cutest dog today! I have no idea why, but he seems to be particularly fond of me. You would love him, I just know it!)_

_Love,_

_Rey_

**#3**

_Dear Ben,_

_A new friend took me to a beautiful lake today. It reminded me of the one where we made love during our honeymoon in Naboo (don't worry, I kept that part to myself).  
I'm not going to say I wish you had been there with me because I would be lying, but I really missed you.  
  
I missed your nerdy, random observations on all the different species of fish and your inevitable rant on how "striped bass" is a much more accurate name than "rockfish" because of its dark stripes.  
  
I missed how I would remind you that you definitely didn't seem that concerned with appropriate lexicon every time you chose to say 'chips' instead of 'crisps'. I missed how you would shut me up with a kiss and how I'd melt into your arms. I missed it all. Would you call me foolish if I told you I still hope we will have that again? (don't tell them I said this. Apparently, I'm not supposed to be feeling this way – but you know I'm good at hiding my feelings)._

_Love,_

_Rey_

**#4**

_Dear Ben,_

_I don't think I'm supposed to say this, but you're the only one I trust: this place is weird. Everyone here is kind of weird._

_He says that it's normal and that we're just here temporarily, but I'm skeptical. I guess it's just one of those days where I'm struggling to accept my own guilt over leaving you. He says that's normal, too._

_Knowing how much I hurt you and how much you're still hurting is a heavy burden I will always carry in my heart. I want you to know I don't blame you if you do hate me. It's okay._

_Love,_

_Rey_

**#5**

_Dear Ben,_

_My last letter was a tad depressing, so today I'm going to talk about happy things only. Do you remember that cute dog I told you about? He kept following me everywhere and didn't leave me for a second, so I decided to adopt him._

_I have a dog now! Can you believe it? I wish you could meet him, he has the fluffiest ears! (I still prefer yours, though)._

_Oh, and as weird as people are around here, the food is great! There's a lady who will literally cook whatever you want. Isn't that awesome? I ordered your favorite today. You would totally say the asparagus needed more seasoning, but I liked them (I guess some things never change)._

_Love,_

_Rey_

**#6**

_Dear Ben,_

_I wonder if you ever think about our wedding day._

_Do you remember how Finn and Poe got so drunk that they started doing the chicken dance? Or how your mother kept asking one of the waiters to bring her more smoked salmon canapes until there were none left?_

_Sometimes I wish I could go back to that day: Hux and Rose's arses falling in the pool while they danced, our wedding vows inspiring Kaydel and Jannah to finally confess their feelings for each other, the way you and I were so exhausted by the time we got to the hotel room that we ended up having the best bad sex of our lives..._

_I loved it all so much (even the bad sex – and you know it)._

_It was one of the happiest days of my life – just you, me and all our friends and family celebrating our love for each other. I will never forget the way you were looking at me as I walked down the aisle. Not even my wet eyes could stop me from feeling the warmth of your love in that very moment. That was always one of the things I loved the most about you – the way you made me feel so loved and wanted all the time._

_All the damn time, Ben._

_You were the best thing that ever happened to me and I was so happy to finally start a family with you._

_Sometimes I still don't understand what happened or why it happened, but I do know one thing: I got used to a lot ever since I left – being away from my friends, losing the job that I loved, learning how to trust total strangers… What I will never get used to is not having you with me or the tender touch of your eyes on mine._

_Love,_

_Rey_

**#7**

_Dear Ben,_

_I'm this close to telling him to just piss off. He wants me to go somewhere else, but I don't want to. I don't care, I'll stay here as long as I have to._

_I know I've complained about this place before, but I have to stay here and he knows it (which is why I'm incredibly pissed right now). He keeps saying it'll be better for me – as if anyone but myself knows what's best for me. So pretentious! I'll keep you posted, but I'm afraid it's not going to end well._

_Love,_

_Rey_

**#8**

_Dear Ben,_

_I ran into your father today. I think you'll be happy to know he looks different. A good different – he seems younger, happier._

_It was a little awkward at first (I think he was sad that I left you even though he was kind enough not to mention any of it) but he ended up helping me convince him to let me stay. And it worked! You know better than anyone – except perhaps your mother – how charming and persuasive your father can be._

_It's funny how even here there's a part of you that keeps watching out for me…_

_Love,_

_Rey_

**#9**

_Dear Ben,_

_I saw you today at our favorite coffee shop, but you didn't see me. You have no idea how happy I was to see you there again. It took everything in me not to let you know I was there, too. You would have probably ignored me, act as if I wasn't there at all. I don't think I could've handled it._

_Tell me, did your heart feel as heavy as mine? Because despite my best efforts, all I could think about were our lazy Sunday mornings filled with pancakes, lattes and stolen kisses as we played "I spy" and whoever lost had to cook lunch._

_It's all gone now._

_Because of me._

_I'm sorry._

_Love,_

_Rey_

**#10**

_Dear Ben,_

_I got so sad writing that last letter that I forgot to say you absolutely owe me a cookie cream milkshake – I knew that barista had a crush on you!_ _You never believed me, but it was so obvious._

_I'm going to be honest and say I wasn't amused when she started flirting with you, but seeing you shutting down her advances so quickly didn't make me as happy as I thought it would. It actually made me… sad. I know, it's weird and not much like me at all, but what can I say? Experiencing so many different things at once puts things into perspective._

_We're not together anymore. You can be with whoever you want to be._

_I guess what I'm trying to say is I just want you to be happy. Don't be afraid to love again. If there is someone out there who can make you happy, take a leap of faith. You don't need my permission, but it's okay. I'll understand._

_Love,_

_Rey_

**#11**

_Dear Ben,_

_I saw you again today at the park (of course you didn't see me, I always make sure you don't). That's where I first told you I wanted us to have a baby, remember? It was impossibly cold, my nose was about to fall off and I could hear your teeth chattering, but for some reason we couldn't stop staring at all those children whose only concern in the world was to swing their legs back and forth. The looks of joy and wonder in those parents' faces awoke something inside me and I knew right away that was something I wanted for myself. I wanted to experience that same bliss. I wanted to give a child everything I didn't get to have. And I wanted it with you. Only with you._

_PS: I wasn't expecting you to still be wearing your wedding ring. I don't know what to think of it._

_Love,_

_Rey_

**#12**

_Dear Ben,_

_Somehow, I still know exactly what's going through your mind, so please allow me to tell you:_

_**No.** Don't even think about it._

_Just don't._

_(I know all about waiting.)_

_Love,_

_Rey_

**#13**

_Dear Ben,_

_A little birdie told me you restored your grandmother's farmhouse and moved there. You can't even imagine how happy I am that you finally did it. You did it, Ben! You made one of your lifelong dreams come true. Do you have any idea how brilliant that is? How incredibly proud I am of you? You built yourself a home and even if we won't be able to sit on the porch and watch the sunset every day until we grow old together, as we promised we would, this will begin to help you heal. I know it._

_Love,_

_Rey_

**#14**

_Dear Ben,_

_I wish I could be there for you during this difficult time. You were always there for me and it feels strange – wrong even – to not hold you in my arms and tell you that everything is going to be okay._

_Please forgive me for doing nothing more than writing you a letter you will never read._

_Love,_

_Rey_

**#15**

_Dear Ben,_

_I was thinking and I can do more than just write you a letter you will never read. I can tell you (even though I'm not sure I should or am even allowed to) your parents are together again. You would be thrilled – they look happier and more in love than ever. It's so beautiful, so heartwarming, so…bittersweet. I know, I probably sound like an arsehole. Why would anyone use the word 'bittersweet' to describe two people finding their way back to each other after so many years apart? But I can't help it. Whenever I look at them now, I think of us._

_Will we be just like them? Will you ever be mine again? I hope not anytime soon, but eventually._

_Love,_

_Rey_

**#16**

_Dear Ben,_

_My love. This is the last letter I'm writing you. Don't be afraid. It's going to be okay. I will be there for you, finally._

_I love you so much. I loved you back then, I love you now and I will love you forever._

_Love,_

_Rey_

* * *

A blur. A dizziness.

The loud sound of rushing wind.

In the distance.

Closer.

Even closer now.

A bright, pulling light with a force unbeknownst to him.

Fluffy ears that tickle his nose. Quick strokes of a wet tongue that dampen his face and take him back to an old, familiar bedroom for seconds only.

Eyes that snap open.

White here. White there. White everywhere.

A dog wagging his tail and spinning in circles around him.

Not just any dog.

 _Chewie_.

A childhood dog on the run now. A desperate urge to follow him that prevails over any other instinct.

Walking becomes soaring.

Steps become strokes in the welcoming air.

Glorious chants come from above, enveloping him in its soothing melodies.

He sees the infinite perfection of the music, hears the visual beauty of a gorgeous lake.

Not just any lake.

 _Naboo_.

Eyes follow his oldest companion.

A lake of life and color.

A bright figure standing in the water with its back to him.

A woman.

Not just any woman.

_Rey._

Tears become butterflies fluttering against his cheeks.  
  


"Ben."  
  


A smile that floods him with relief.

A hand outstretched in his direction. A voice he knows by heart.  
  


"I've been waiting for you."  
  


The touch of two hands. The sound of an accepted invitation.  
  


A kiss between two desperate souls. An explosion of light, beauty and love.  
  


An eternity of sunsets to watch together.  
  


_Peace_.

**Author's Note:**

> \- this was totally inspired by the ending of Titanic, where the two lovers reunite again in the afterlife (like I said, a happy ending from a certain point of view)
> 
> \- the clue in the title: "never fall away" is part of the lyrics of the Civil Twilight song "Letters from the Sky"


End file.
